peer perspectives (47)

I interviewed three people: Kim, a half-norwegian half-brasilian 15 year-old, who comes from an atheist family; Barbara, a brasilian 17-year old from a spirit family; and Catarina, also brasilian, from a catholic family. These interviews showed me different reactions to death, reflecting different cultures and religions.

Barbara and Catarina both have the same cultural background, but different religions. And their families’ reactions to death reflect that perfectly. Barbara's first contact with death was when her grandfather died . She was only 5, too little to remember anything. She comes from a family of spiritists, she was taught to face death in a natural way, and not to feel weird if any contact happens. “I’ve always been used to knowing that death is ‘a trip’ to the spiritual world”.

She said she had a contact, about three years ago, with that grandfather, in a dream. He asked her to talk to her mother, telling her he was okay. They hugged and “mataram saudades” (the translation for this is impossible, but it is something like ‘killing the nostalgia’ – their nostalgia for each other). I asked her how could she be sure, she answered he was wearing his favorite clothes. Her mother was the one who realized that when Barbara later described the contact to her. She had no idea which were his favorite clothes, that was enough proof for her.

            Her response to death, to the contact, and to the interview, was visibly calm (extremely different from Catarina’s family). Spiritists have a special way to handle death because of their belief in life after death and in reincarnation. Death is not the end, it is just part of a cycle. They know that their loved ones are ‘on the other side’ and that they can even be contacted if it is necessary.

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Catarina’s first contact with death was when her cousin died in an accident. He was riding a boat that crashed against a rock on a beach. Her whole family was devastated and, by that time, she worried about her aunt, who took months to recover. Catarina felt it wasn’t fair, why did her cousin have to die so young? She felt death is a random wave that takes people without coherence. It was hard for her, as a catholic, to forgive god.

Later, her dad’s sister died. She had cancer and fought it for years. But when the doctors told her she couldn’t resist any longer, already determining how long she still had left, she started organizing things for her death. She prepared legal documents, made a testament… but what really stands out on this story is that she also prepared a full freezer, an year worth of her food so her family could eat her special dish for a long time after she had left.  Although this was an extreme and probably not really common reaction, it reflects the catholic's point of view on the theme.
           This time wasn’t as hard on Catarina, maybe because she was older, maybe because it wasn’t such a sudden, unexpected death. She saw her aunt struggling with treatments and surgeries… in this case death was probably a relief. 
             Catarina says death is a way to get closer to god. She thinks that something must happen after death.  Ortega y Gasset, a spanish liberal philosopher, once said: “one of the great limitations, and we should even say shame, of all of the cultures that existed until today, is that none taught men to be what he is for constitution; which is, mortal.” . Being a mortal means giving life substance, facing the inexorable idea that we will all die some day. And to avoid exactly this idea of inexorable body deterioration, the catholic church gives christians consolation against the fear and terror of death, facing it as a passage to ‘true life’.                 (attitude that can be easily proved:

                                                   For St. Augustine, those who suffer the                                                   death of a loved one have not learned to love. The spirit                                                 must not be attached to the fugacity of the mortal world,                                                  the identity cannot be tied to the transitory”)

            “Death, far from taking sense out of life, turns into its foundation, cause and invitation to value even more life as it is. Men, being illuminated by this realization, shall give himself the duty to enjoy the most his loved ones, make friends, evolve compassion and tolerance, always working to generate more life, love, and more happiness, fighting to promote justice and peace on earth.”

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         For my last interview i have Kim, an atheist. He said he first faced death when he was seven; his cat, Menina, died. She was run over by a car, and got an infection, but they couldn’t afford any ‘pet care’. A week later, he found her lying on the front porch. “She looked at me, peed, and then died… I cried and laughed at the same time”. 

         His second death experience was when his great-grandmother died, she was already 100 years old. “One day, when I got home, my father asked me if I wanted to see her before the burial" - she was still alive by then. But they forgot to tell him when she died, he only found out she was dead when she was already being buried. The whole family was sad for weeks. But this time he didn't cry. Now he is older he believes that “death is a way to give back to earth what was given to us.”  He doesn’t believe in prolonging grief.

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Some people kill themselves slowly, throughout life. Drinking, smoking, specially using hard drugs, or even maintaining an unhealthy way of thinking, which could cause predisposition to sadness and unhealthiness. What could be called an “unconscious suicide”. Other people, by the end, just give up, or simply decide to put an end to life, stop resisting. That’s why the psychological is important on the care of patients facing life-threatening illnesses. But this makes me wonder: Can a good psychological state allow you to resist death for longer?